Short Cuts to Happiness by Tal Ben-Shahar

Author:Tal Ben-Shahar
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Experiment

on hurt management

I waved to Avi through the window as I walked past his salon toward the grocer, and while he waved back I could see on his face and from his posture that all was not well. He had a client in his chair, so I decided to do my shopping first, and check in on him after. A few minutes later, he was alone, and I walked in.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m a little sad,” he said, smiling.

“What happened?” I probed.

“I told a customer about my business venture—you know, with the hair dye? The only thing he had to say back was that I’m at a great disadvantage because my English is not so good. It’s not news to me, which is why I’m taking classes, but the way he said it . . . it hurt me.”

Neither of us spoke for a couple of minutes. No voices, no scissors clinking, just the quiet hum of the air conditioner melding with the purr of a distant highway.

“When I’m hurt,” Avi finally offered, “I usually first just allow myself to experience it fully. You talk about doing that, right? Giving oneself the permission to be human?”

I nodded.

He continued: “But today I did something else, something I recently started doing when someone hurts me.” He smiled, looking at me. “I hugged him.”

“You hugged him? Why?”

“Because he needed it. Those who hurt others usually are doing it because they themselves are hurt. They desperately need some TLC, so I give it to them.”

I thought about some cruel research done on animals that I heard about once, showing that when a particular animal is hurt, by an electric shock for instance, its first instinct is to attack the animal right next to it. Pain causes animals—and humans—instinctively to lash out.

Most of the time, hurting others stems from an automatic, mindless reaction to our own hurt. And unfortunately, whether with animals or with humans, the hurt escalates, spirals up, as each side reacts to the pain inflicted on her or him. This explains interpersonal conflicts and often international conflicts—where a small disagreement or a trivial dispute spirals out of control.

I know that Avi is no pacifist, but he is also unwilling to enter conflict unless absolutely necessary. By hugging the person who inflicted hurt, what Avi chose to do was undermine the potential escalation and put an end to unnecessary hurt.

Avi believes that human nature is essentially good, and that cruel or insensitive behavior is usually a response to our own internal pains. Those who inflict pain often, more than anything else, need a warm embrace, so that they stop hurting others—and themselves.

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